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West Coast Hysterics

A Shameless Plug

A shamless plug, yes, but not for Periodic Diversions. But rather for Dr. Lucas Mesdag, who heads up the best dentist office in East Wenatchee, Washington. If you're in the area, you should look them up.

Mesdag Dental has a new website, and this is an attempt to lend it some of PD's Google Juice mojo.

Courtney and Her Escalade

I suppose there is a bit of a jealousy factor when one reads the headline about the sixteen-year-old Courtney Leigh Hyan and her new Cadillac Escalade XLT while musing that despite working 50 hours a week and pulling down a good salary, one can't afford to buy necessary new brakes for an aging car. But perhaps it is a comfort to know that by the end of the New York Times article describing Courtney's sweet-sixteen birthday present, the jealousy fades, making way for gagging revulsion.

"My parents told me if I got a 3.0 G.P.A. or higher on my report card," explains Courtney, "they'd buy me any car I wanted, within reason." Lacking any, Courtney's parents sprung for the $45,000 Escalade. Apparently, she was as surprised as the rest of us: "I couldn't believe it. I was like, ''Oh my God, are you serious?' I ran outside in the falling snow, climbed into the truck and sat there for a bit. Then I called my friends back in California on my cell. The whole thing was like a car commercial."

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Posted by ryan on March 13, 2004 | Comments (1654) | TrackBack

Meet Me In Cyberspace with Your Salad Shooter, Babe.

I told myself I’d stop drinking red wine, but I can’t seem to vomit without it. I’ve got a special deal with Trader Joe’s that allows me to purchase their infamous ‘Two Buck Chuck’ for 49 cents instead of $1.99. I’ve been printing my own labels, emblazoned with the image of über-rapper, ’50 Cent’. I switch the label before I am to receive important guests at my home...

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I Look Fat on the Sunset Strip

Writing,writing, writing, staining my Hanes® briefs, staining my BVD® low-rise bikini briefs, writing, making more coffee, staining the couch. Calling my agent, calling my lawyer. Setting up conference calls with Larry Flynt, the next governor of California. Discussing my much sought-after geriatric reality sex performance make-over gameshow. Larry’s infamous ‘Hustler’-taries calling me for my availability. I’m calling them back with a box of tissues in hand and a half empty bottle of Peach Schnapps on the bathroom floor...

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Posted by fritz on August 28, 2003 | Comments (301) | TrackBack

I Have a Spacious Flat in Belfast and I Like It

Now that I am turning over a new leaf, I値l have to buy some very shiny running shorts. Tonight痴 a Latin theme night at the house. No guests are expected, as the smell of baseball cards typically keeps the weak at a distance. The floor is covered with smashed Tequila bottles and smashed, imported Limes. The blood-letting was an exciting afterthought. There is no love for a budding naturalist like myself tonight. Everyone seems to have given at the office...

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Posted by fritz on August 08, 2003 | Comments (338) | TrackBack

Smooth Bestiality: Now a Genre Subcategory of New Country

First thing tomorrow morning I知 going to rush right out to Rodeo drive and pick me up some of these hip velvet pants that hang off my ass and turn me into a retro, brit punk god. I値l accompany the pants with shoes made out of Largemouth Bass. Of course I値l be hanging out at all the best restaurants, car washes, and automated banks...

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Posted by fritz on July 29, 2003 | Comments (429) | TrackBack